Most of the time when you think of going to a hotel it's to one of the outside ones: Motel 6 or The Marriot or Holiday Inn. What you may not know is that there's a hotel inside of you, complete with little beds and ladders.

To get there you have to get small. Do this by closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. Hold it while your inner body detaches from your outer body, then shrinks down to five inches tall. At this point, your outer body becomes still. No one who observes you would know that you have turned into a hotel. They might think you are meditating, or asleep, or have been kidnapped and replaced with a mannequin to buy time while the criminals transport you to the border. But only the most paranoid of your friends will think that, so 99% of the time you are free from detection. You can now step inside of yourself and check out the hotel.

You go in through your neck, kind of slide down. The hotel, not surprisingly, is vertical and cavernous. Rather than being organized in stories, it is one tall structure with different inlets lodged inside the walls, like caves or jutting rocks on a cliff-face. Except it's more luxurious than a cliff: the inside walls are all covered in red velvet and fine art. There are suspended beds everywhere, little miniature ones hanging from the inside of your skeleton. The beds are made up with the finest linens and use top-quality mattresses of foam. The pillows are down. Some of the beds are suspended like hammocks, so you rock gently as you sleep. The sound of your blood coursing through your outside body is reminiscent of ocean waves, and provides a soothing atmosphere.

To traverse levels you can slide down the tubing of vessel and bone, or use the ladders and stairways provided by Management. Some of the stairways are Grand, with mirrors at the landings, so you can see yourself inside self at five inches tall.

You might think it would smell funny in the hotel, especially if you have eaten garlic or onions recently, but Management has done a superior job of utilizing fresh flowers and circulating the air. You will find the atmosphere warm and refreshing.

This is a great place to get some rest, because you are totally safe inside and no one would think to say, "I wonder where Steve has gone -- is it possible he is now 5 inches tall and living inside himself?" It just wouldn't happen. Therefore, once you have checked in, you are safe to pick out whichever bed you like and take a long, uninterrupted nap.

When you are done, climb back up through your neck and into your head. Breathe a breath from your outside body until you feel your outer eyes opening. Once you have opened your eyes you are checked out and have been returned to your regular size. Hopefully you have grabbed some mints from your pillow before you left, so you have a snack to enjoy now that you are rested. Take a lot, they are small.