Like a microwave, but in reverse: a device that cools quickly. Useful for overly hot coffees and soups.

A quick thirty seconds in the Freezowave and your item comes out cooler and more manageable than ever. The choice of waiting to sip or burning your tongue is a thing of the past.

Manufacturers Warning: The Freezowave is intended for cooling food items, and is not warrantied for any other uses. A few years ago, in the height of the housing bubble, a rich tycoon had a life-size Freezowave built for his wife, whom he suspected of having illicit passions and affairs. After luring her in by telling her it was a tanning bed, he attempted to cool her heart at a medium setting for five minutes. As the cold coursed through her veins she began to freeze: first her skin, then her organs, and finally her capacity for love, warmth and empathy.

When she was ejected and brought back to room temperature through the attentions of doctors administering hot spring waters and woolen wraps, it was found that she no longer had a kind word in her. She ended her affairs but spent the last years of her life chipping away at her husband and children, planting seeds of discord wherever she went.